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The Grand Weiner for 2005!
Debby!
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For all the great jokes she's sent over the past several years. (It also helps she's my sister.)*
*Hey! I never said this was a fair contest. But like the lottery, you can't win if you don't send me jokes so without that, you ain't got shit! |
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December 05 Weiner ~ Nick
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November 05 Weiner ~ Kenny
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October 05 Weiner ~ Kenny
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September 05 Weiner ~ Kenny
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August 05 Weiner ~ Jeff
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June 05 Weiner ~ Jeff
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April 05 Weiner ~ Kenny
Swallow your pride!
Thanks Kenny
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen, cooking dinner, while his father napped on the couch. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom,I have something to tell you".
Finding his courage, he sat up straight, swallowed a time or two, and finally burted out: "I'm gay."
His mother made no reply, nor gave any response. The guy was about to repeat it, to make sure she'd
heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly........
"You're gay?? Doesn't that mean you probably have 'oral sex' with other men?"
The guy shifted in his seat, swallowed nervously, and replied, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right. That's
pretty much a part of it."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, quietly stirring the dinner.
SUDDENLY!, she whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her wooden spoon!!
Then, looking him STRAIGHT in the eye, she said .......... "Don't you EVER complain about the taste of
my cooking again!!" |
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March 05 Weiner ~ Dwayne
Two buddies, Rick and Randy, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Rick throws up all over himself. "Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"
Randy says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocketand tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twentydollars for the dry cleaning bill." So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.. Eventually Rick stumbles home and his wife
starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Rick says,"Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many! and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry
sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!" His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."
"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too." |
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Febuary 05 Weiner! ~ Kenny
A seventeen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."
At this point, the father, who had remained silent all this time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You'll f*ck her again!"
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January 05 Weiner ~ Jeff
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2004 GRAND PRIZE WEINER!
SUSAN!
She wins a Sol Web Services golf shirt for her many submissions including the November Weiner. She has probably sent me more jokes over the years than anyone else.
Here's to Susan, and keep 'em coming!
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November 04 Weiner
Susan
For the "Extra Chewy" Video
Congrats to Susan. There's another pencil for you! |
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September 04 Weiner
Heidi
From the Red Neck Poem on 9/17.
She's ready for her # lead Pencil, if she knows which end to use. (Just kidding Heidi)
She's qualified for the grand prize of a nice Sol Web Services golf shirt! |
(May not look exactly like Heidi) |
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August 04 Weiner
ShadowRaveness
For her submission: News from the Ministry of Truth - 8/13
Ye'r in line for the best of the #2 pencils made! |
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June
04 Weiner
Mr JokeMaster
I
won the grand prize by the fact that Connie became Mrs. Jokemaster!
Thank
you Connie for marrying a man with such a distasteful sense
of humor!
(We
are automatically disqualified for any prizes, because we
already have all we need!) |
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May
04 Weiner!
Melanie
For
the Hokey Pokey Joke
Shes
more than qualified to drive her brand new # 2 Pencil |
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March
04 Weiner!
Daniel
For
the BushGirl
Congrats
Daniel (Pictured with his lovely girlfriend)
And
most obviously shitfaced.... |
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Feb
04 Weiner
Liz
For
the "Do What Jesus Do" joke
Let's
face it, she knows humor! |
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Jan
04 Weiner
Debby
For the
40th Aniversery Joke.
She's
posing with her new car.... (not that she won it or anything) |
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2003
Grand Prize Weiner!
Our
Man Kenny
He has
contributed quantity as well as tasteless, um quality humor
for all of us to enjoy. He receives a www.dennisderrick.com
golf shirt for all his um, hard work. Way to go dude, and
keep em coming, as I know you will, or do.... |
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| November
2003 - Weiner
Susan
For the Wife who
had the airbag joke.
Enjoy your new
pencil! |
And she knows this pic is just a few years
old. |
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| October
2003 ~ Weiner
Terry
For the Abbott & Costello joke
Congrats to Terry. We
filled your Smiley Face balloon and launched it yesterday.
It should drift your way sometime, eventually, be sure and
watch for it.... |
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| August
2003 ~ Weiner
Lisa
For the
wonderful pic of the lost dog poster.
Congratulations, and whatever
you do, don't fuck with Lisa, she's gotta a big gun!
Um, I'll be glad to pay for your
#2 lead pencil Lisa...... |
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| July
2003 - Weiner
Everyone!
(who looks like Alfred)
Cause you all are
so F*K'n funny!
This makes everyone
who submits jokes eligible for the Grand Prize! |
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| June
2003 -Weiner
Nick
For
the If The Had Kids Joke
Nick,
don't poke yourself with your new # lead pencil
You
see him here, doing what he does best... |
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May
2003 - Weiner
Liz
For
the all informative "SLANG DICTIONARY "
She wins a #2 lead
pencil and a chance at the Grand Prize, www.dennisderrick.com
logo ware! (A T-Shirt with my logo, no shit)
Congratulations
Liz, and keep 'em comin' ! |
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April
2003 - Weiner
Connie
For the "we wear rubbers" joke.
She wins a big, um, thingy, um
that, um she can figure out what to do with, um, when she
gets it.
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Connie & the Devil
Dog
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| March
2003 - Weiner
The man who keeps the jokes a
flowing...
Kenny
He will receive a brand new #
2 pencil, if he goes to the store and buys it! Hey Kenny,
their cheap, just like you!
Ears off, to one hell'ofa guy! |
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| February
2003 - Weiner
Jack
Jack is one of my cats. He subscribes
to most the joke mailing lists I use. Many of the jokes you
see come from him. Well, sort of. But anyway, he deserved
a little credit so he won a Smiley Face balloon, which he
promptly popped. He can be such a little shit. But I will
admit he's not eligible for the Grand Prize, because it won't
fit him. <DD> |
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| January
2003 - Weiner
Dwayne
He provided the hilarious Sister
Sara pic that was a weekly winner. He is the proud owner of
a Brand New # 2 Lead Pencil! He is also a wonderful person
and a shining star in the massive sea of humanity! I love
you man!*
* He is also my boss and my
review is up this week.
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<voted for bush... 
